It seems divorce shines a light on the true friends in your life, sometimes for good and sometimes for bad. Today offered the former.In my new effort to reach out to friends, I arranged a lunch with my friend Chuck. Ironically, he was never a close friend, more of a drinking buddy that I've known for the better part of two decades. The last time I saw Chuck was in July, the week his divorce was final.
LESSON 1: Friends come from where you least expect them.
Today, Chuck knew something was up when I emailed him, he feared it was divorce and was instantly sorry about my situation. He lived it too. As my story unfolded to him, he laughed. He explained that he wasn't mocking me, but instead found so much of what I said shockingly familiar to what he's already lived. He got it. He had been there too.
I welcomed his laughter. It was validating of my feelings. I suddenly didn't feel alone anymore in a life that included only one close friend, B (my source of strength). It was good to have someone else in my corner.
He understood the feelings I was experiencing...
- of feeling alone
- of questioning yourself and your pain
- of living "in-limbo" in someone else's house
- of a life being told there is something wrong with you
- of having your friends dance around you, not sure what to say
- of knowing when it's time to quit and save yourself
Chuck listened intently. He offered his version and concluded with me that I'm doing what's best for myself, my children, and ultimately... Anne (if she wants to save herself). He then told me that he had a divorced friend, Joe, who similarly and unexpectedly stepped forward in his time of need. Chuck was paying it forward. We spent the better part of an hour sharing, commiserating, even tearing up a bit.
LESSON 2: You are *not* alone. Someone else feels like you do.
Truthfully, it wasn't any sage advice being offered, but moreso it was a sense of comfort. It was my fears and uncertainties being brought to the table -- literally. Honestly, it shocked me how easily I opened up and shared my feelings over a chicken burrito. It was cleansing in the only way bad Mexican food can be.
LESSON 3: It's not about having something to say, it's about having someone to listen.
Chuck's words that did stick with me, front and center, were this: whenever I feel lost, to keep in mind the alternative... the not choosing to leave. The sad and broken life I would be living. Remember how the kids would see you today, in 6 months, in 2 years. Think about how bad that looks.
LESSON 4: Open your eyes to the reality of your world, don't focus on your emotions.
In the end, we shook hands, shared a "man-hug," and went our separate ways. He offered his number to call anytime I feel insane, which, lately comes at an hourly clip. But whether I ever call him or not, it doesn't matter. I have lessons I can't forget.
Today I know, you don't have to feel alone in divorce.
Thanks Chuck.
(87 B)
