I questioned her honesty and she then told me how Sam came downstairs crying this morning and said he had a nightmare that daddy wasn't coming home. Wow.
Once the pain of this wore off, I realized that I have mixed feelings here.
First, she's been using the kids as an emotional pawn since day one. "How can you abandon your kids?" Telling me how shameful I am. This only represents the kind of person she is, and what her character is capable of. It's not enough that she screams at me in front of them, but now she's using them as leverage into making me want to come home. (She's done it in the past with Josie, and when I call her on the specifics she always backs down.) She should be helping me parent the kids through this, as opposed to the reality which is playing into the kids' fears saying "yeah Sam, I wish daddy would come home too."
Secondly, yes, it crushes me to hear this. It arranges thoughts in my head of this poor boy, the same little guy who cried in my arms last night when he wasn't ready to go to bed. But I somehow know I have made this choice for the better. I can't have my son grow up seeing a broken man, seeing a man who works and gives and yet gets bullied. A man who doesn't build a life for himself. Hopefully, for every sad moment like this I can provide many more good moments to reinforce him in life. This is the tough balance of divorce:
Processing feelings of guilt over breaking a home, when truthfully the home was broken before I left it.
Third, I realize now that I have three children at home. Anne being the elder, and possibly not the most mature. She is the one crying because I'm not coming home. She is the one who needs my support, my structure, my presence, my everything to keep her from having to face the realities of life. With me gone, she'll have to be accountable. She'll have to work. She'll have to forgo the nightly bottle of wine (doubt it) and she'll have to get up and do something for herself. Grocery shop. Pay bills. Cope.
I'm sorry Josie and Sam. Daddy will never let you down again.
