She's like me that way.
I wanted to do this jointly, with Josie's mom, but given the poor rapport we've had lately and given her shaky mental state, I guess I realized this was something I'd have to do on my own. That's fine. It's always been my job in the relationship to manage crises and coping.
I pulled up to the school feeling very strange. This tall man in a dark shirt looming in the parking lot. Going into the school to tell a dark, mean, secret. They'll hate me. They'll think I'm the villain. I felt sheepish as I approached the door.
It was locked.
I went back to my car, feeling relief. My mind said: "I'm off the hook. I'll call, or email. I need to get to work." Honestly, I knew this was the cowardly way out. I knew I needed to look Josie's teacher in the eye and tell her how much I care about this fragile little girl. Is that more for my sake? Perhaps. But, sometimes I feel like only I truly get Josie. That only I can reach her and help her. This was my job today.
As I drove away, I slowed to ask a teacher in the parking lot when teachers typically arrive. Luckily, it was Josie's former first grade teacher, with whom Josie first connected. She loves Josie with a special bond. She led me inside and in the corridor I confided in her that things were tough at home for Josie, not saying more. I guess you can never prepare yourself for what to say or how to say this. I asked her to look out for my daughter. She told me that she had noticed she was quieter over the past 2 weeks.
She noticed.
As I spoke with Josie's teacher, tears instantly formed. I was surprised how choked up I became, but I guess this is the first time I've spoken of this to anyone outside. It wasn't the divorce that saddens me, it's how it may hurt Josie. The teacher was kind, slightly teary herself in response to me. She said she'd keep an eye on her, and asked about counseling.
Now, I realize that school counseling is a viable, trustworthy option these days, but I guess I wasn't sure how much I wanted to trust that -- the images of counselors from my past leave a bit to be desired. I guess I'll agree to having Josie see a counselor, hoping it won't shock the poor girl. I have to have faith in education.
I walked away feeling good. Thinking I did the right thing for my daughter. I knew her mom likely wouldn't have gone there, not ready herself to accept the notion of this divorce. And, truthfully, I don't fear the impact of this divorce on Josie as much as you'd think. I think this will get Josie the attention she deserves, and help break the pattern of chaos she's been led into from her mother. The life of delusion.
From the outside it seems contrary, but I think I can make a better life for my kids.
