Things between Anne and I took a turn for the worse last night. I don't know where to begin, but I just want this to be over.I should have known it was going to be one of those nights as I showed up to play with the kids. She was being too friendly, too involved.
"Oh, Hi honey," she said as I came in the door.
She told stories to me, she lingered around with the kids. She apparently forgot about the person who only 5 nights earlier called me horrible names. I raised issue briefly about Ava's homework being started at 8pm, so late, a topic I feel strongly about. She tried to defend herself, I wasn't letting her.
Then, a smile. "Can you come talk to me after you put the kids to bed?"
Oh no. This isn't going to be good. I can sense it. I do tuck-in duty and return. Finding her smiling on the couch. Telling me to please sit down and talk. I do that, wondering where this will go. Hoping, wishing perhaps that this might include a civil end to our deal.
Not so.
It starts out with pleas.
"Tell me why you're doing this?"
"What happened that was so bad?"
Then it went to commands.
"You don't just leave."
"We need to work this out."
"You need to talk to me."
"Sit down!"
"I know you love me."
"People fight. You need to get over it."
"We're not getting divorced. No we're not."
Then it went to crying and drama.
"I'm your angel."
"Is there someone else?"
"How could you throw away 14 years?"
"Why are you doing this to us?"
Then came anger. Lies. Accusations of infidelity over a journal she found. Calling me a cheater. A liar. Saying I've done worse things to her then she ever did to me. I tell her it's convenient for her to become a victim, but this isn't about that. It's about a life spent being manipulated, being marginalized, being made to feel wrong.
As I sat there trying to talk, I felt myself getting lost in it all. The logic spiraling out of control. My feelings of pain and manipulation getting lost in the shuffle. She interrupted my every word. I got up and left.
Then the phone calls began.
"You need to come back. You need to come back. You need to come back."
I said I'm through. Tonight and with this relationship. She refused to allow that.
"You need to come back." Then the yelling and insults began.
Hello crazy.
I told her I was hanging up. I can't hear the garbage anymore tonight.
She keeps calling. I answer each time. I talk, she says I'm abandoning my kids. I tell her I'm hanging up. We can't do this anymore tonight, and frankly, I'm certain the kids hear her yelling.
She keeps calling. I eventually stop answering.
14 more calls -- 11 voice messages. One of which puts Sam on the phone, crying, saying "no." He must have woken up. She's using this against me.
The last message comes at 2:15am, crying and accusing me of hiding her medicine. I have no idea what she's talking about.
I just want this to be over. I can't remember what I'm doing or why. I feel like I'm now the villain, caught with cheating "thoughts" in a journal. She tells me she loves me and wants to forgive me.
I can't live this crazy life. It needs to end.
(!)
