“In the sun I feel as one. Married. Buried.” Kurt CobainApologies *can* be accepted, but they can’t always matter. Events can’t be reversed, words can’t be taken back, feelings can’t be unfelt, emotions can't be stifled.
I was issued a “I’m sorry” card by my ex-to-be, and I’ve been struggling with my feelings toward it. Mostly, I’m trying to decide exactly why I don’t have this desire to care.
First of all, you must know that Anne’s emotions have been on a malfunctioned rollercoaster for the past 2 months. Screaming at me. Anger. Sobbing. Pleading. Hatred. Insults. Happy. Helping. Disgust. Attacks. Pleasant. Joyful.
I guess we all handle trauma in our own way, and despite my role in affecting this divorce, I’m aware how this deal is a true emotional car wreck on all sides.
This week, we’ve been on an upswing. I am not sure what brought on this wave of positivity, but I’m certain an attorney’s call about her insulting and entrapping me within kids’ earshot likely helped. Part of me hopes that this is the beginning of us making a stable-but-separate relationship for the kids, but truthfully I fear her selfish need to manipulate me into coming back is at the core of her intentions.
I said I’m sorry, now let it go.
Those words are so familiar that I can’t see past them. I’ve heard apologies for the past 11 years. I’ve given apologies for the past 11 years.
What is she apologizing for? The same thing she told me I was wrong about, five days ago? Five months ago? Five years ago? What are you sorry for?
I believe in saying your sorry. However, it’s the intention of saying it I mind. It can’t always fix the problem. Can a victim accept an apology from his killer?
The wounds are there. Sorry leaves you with:
- No responsibility for bad behavior
- No resolution
- No solving the problem
- No further communication
- No emotional response
- No conviction
- No assurance that it won’t happen again.
It’s like walking a fresh dusting of snow and forgetting about the hazardous slippery ice underneath. I can’t see past the hurt, the reduction, the manipulation. I can’t forget how I’ve been told I’m wrong to feel that way.
I’m sorry, but it’s not going to work.
(dresser)
